I'm Allowed to Hate My Body

I hate my body. I always have since I can remember, ever since I have had an awareness of possessing a body.

In sixth grade I used to get stark naked and use my point and shoot (with flash, making it oh so much worse) to take pictures of my body, from all possible angles. My thighs, stomach, and ass in particular were my favorite parts to photograph. I also liked taking profile shots of my face so I could pick apart its asymmetry, the massiveness of my nose, and that nice layer of excess fat between my chin and neck. At twelve I created a savings account under the pretense of saving for my eventual college degree when I was actually, in my mind at least, collecting money for my prospective plastic surgeries. I planned to invest in at eighteen, since I knew I definitely would not have my parents’ approval or financial support. I remember wanting a rhinoplasty, cheek augmentation, hairline lowering surgery (lol), chin augmentation, breast implants, liposuction (or gastric bypass), my ears pinned back, and a labiaplasty (since my nether regions didn’t look like the pretty porn pussies I saw plastered on my brother’s wall). I also wanted to have pin straight hair and be platinum blonde. My preteen self would very disappointed if she saw me today.

 I hated my body and I still do. I am not saying this as a means to get attention. I am not looking for compliments. It is just fact, plain truth, maybe even confessional.

I understand it is not really the way my body is per se, since I hated my body at about thirty, maybe even forty, pounds lighter than I am currently.

And it’s not that I am refusing to love my stretch marks (“tiger stripes” or “battle scars” is what many body positive bloggers deem them—cute, but inaffective for me, as I am still repulsed by my own no matter what I call them), or my cellulite or my fat rolls, or my not perky enough tits. I am saying that this is in no way a mean feat for a twenty year old girl (woman?? am I one of those yet?) who not only has hated her body for basically her entire life but has and is a product of an ideology that tells her that she is ugly that she is worthless and that by simply existing she is a nuisance and a burden. Unless, of course, she is a nice flesh package to be penetrated, disposed of, forgotten.

Why is it supposed to be so easy to unlearn twenty years of patriarchal brainwashing?

When girls, skinny or fat, tell me to love my body or eat whatever I want it’s frustrating and irritating.  Post nude selfies of you gorging on McDonald’s and own it. I am proud, but mostly I am jealous. Just do not tell me it is okay to enjoy food, that I shouldn’t feel guilty after eating, that eating shouldn’t be associated with guilt. I am aware of this. I am not a blithering idiot. I am aware of the “social constructions” you will list off. This does not mean that they do not affect me, that they are not real. By simply stating that something is socially constructed does not mean that I can move past them as readily and efficaciously as you did.

I can’t simply say I love my body and then love it. I am the antithesis of everything I have been told and taught that is beautiful and attractive.

I was prompted to write this because recently I received a message on Tumblr from a girl around my age asking if she is "allowed" to call herself a feminist although she hates her body, even though she struggles with EDNOS. Of course I told her that she could and should, that these things are not her, our, fault. That loving yourself is as hard as recovery is, that just like recovery self-love is something you must choose to do everyday. I told her not to hate herself if her attempts fail. I also told her that if she doesn't want to love herself, she doesn't have to. It is her body. It is your body. I am not encouraging self-hatred, but rather am attempting to demonstrate we are not all A+ exemplary feminists, and that the immense pressure from the feminist community to love ourselves without reservation can be a bit alienating for those of us who don't. We are paradoxical, we fail, we give in to what we're told, even if we realize that what were taught is false, absurd, and a vehicle through which we are oppressed.

I shared my own experiences with this girl, the fact that I at times felt like a "bad" feminist—how could I encourage others to love their own bodies when I am absolutely disgusted by mine?

I hope one day I will love my body. I hope one day I’ll be able to have sober sex with the lights on. I hope one day my I can try on jeans without crying. I haven’t worn a bikini (in public) in about eight years—I hope one day I will be able to without embarrassment or shame.

I hope one day my body will be something I can be comfortable in rather than it being an encumbrance to my mental well being.

But until then, please don’t tell me to love my body, or that radical self-love is easily attainable. And don’t tell me that guys like “confident girls who are comfortable in their own skin” or I will probably punch you. Repeatedly.

Defending Lena Dunham('s Ugliness)

Okay, I get it. You don’t like GIRLS. Neither do most people who aren’t middle to upper class white girls in their late teens to mid-twenties. And dude, I totally get that. If you want to relate or identify with your television show, GIRLS is not really the way to go if you’re anyone outside of that small niche.

Honestly, I like GIRLS for the most part. I think Allison Williams is a pretty shitty actress (and so awkward!!!) and Jemima Kirke has yet to impress me but I think Zosia Mamet is phenomenal (yes I understand she got the gig because of her playwright father, but I think she is great and unlike the other “girls” is actually acting instead of just playing herself) and well, Lena, I feel her.

Let me preface. I think it’s fucking annoying how Lena only got this opportunity because of her parents, wealth, and whiteness but I think she is clever and funny and is a genuinely good writer, or is at least good at writing about herself. But Lena is ugly. And chubby. I know it would be way cooler and a lot more progressive if she came from a lower to middle class background and was a WoC. But I don’t think GIRLS should be dismissed just because she doesn’t fit a certain politically correct criteria (wow I sound like such a white feminist right now!!?). But like I said: I feel her. I’m white and pretty unattractive if you’re comparing me to typical standards of beauty. I weigh fifteen pounds more than I would like. My thighs are too big and my tits are too small and I have too much of a tummy (just like Lena!!).

I may not be rich but part of the reason I like GIRLS is because Lena is, upon your interpretation, making fun of rich, white sheltered young women, a lot like many of the girls I brush shoulders with at NYU. Which is why I find it interesting that as a comedy (I think it qualifies??) it is getting so much criticism for not being PC while there are a ridiculous amount of other comedies/sitcoms that are not PC and are praised for being, like, the greatest shows on television (Arrested Development, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics, etc.—all of which I love by the by).

Okay, so back to the whole ugliness thing. I was prompted to write this post in the first place because I’ve seen a ridiculous amount of criticism towards Lena in the past week, but not because she is wealthy or white or because her show fails to be a beacon of intersectional feminism. Most of the criticism has been, not surprisingly, of her appearance. And I say “not surprisingly” because as most people know it is not unusual for women, particularly in Hollywood, to be criticized for their appearance rather than their acting, writing, art, etc. Even if you don’t like the show, of which there are a multitude of reasons not to, why decide to criticize her ugliness or fatness or her inability to walk in high heels? If anything, I think those are Lena’s best attributes and what make the success of GIRLS at all subversive.

And what is again not surprising is that this superficial criticism is coming from other women! Particularly white women! Who seem to be attempting to put on an intersectional façade by hating the show yet criticizing it for all the wrong reasons. I know I shouldn’t be policing someone’s criticism since that is not very “feminist” of me, but Jesus, if you are going to hate on GIRLS why not deem it racist (remember when Adam told Lena she looked like a “Mexican teenager” and no one blew up about that but instead latched on to the prevalence of Lena’s unabashed nudity on screen?), or not intersectional, or simply a vehicle for Lena Dunham to be a complete narcissist (though I think criticizing her narcissism is a bit misogynistic, but to each her own) or even complain about the lack of thespian abilities among its actors? The fact that Lena Dunham is ugly is not the issue. Since the show’s beginning, I wonder what would happen if, say, Hannah was played by like a Scarlett Johansson type uber hottie. Would the show receive more or less praise? Would there be more or less complaints about its lack of WoC? What if it were BOYS and the cast was composed of only white male actors?

So basically, I’m trying to say two things. One, GIRLS never claimed to be “feminist” and as we all know by now, it’s not (or at least the type of intersectional, trans* inclusive feminism most feminists identify with and advocate currently) and if you’re going to criticize GIRLS for anything and still claim to be a “feminist”, why criticize a young, if not privileged, woman's appearance? Even if you don’t like her or her show, calling her a “little fat girl who kind of looks like Jonah Hill” (okay that was Howard Stern, whatever) isn’t going to make her show any more inclusive or make you look like a better feminist.

The White Girl

Let’s be honest: We all love to hate white girls, especially if you’re also a white girl.

I often partake in white girl bashing, which is exemplified on my blog (and Twitter and Tumblr and all other corners of my Internet presence) but once I began to see my white girls friends being bashed by other white girls—“She’s so hoity-toity, so uppity, so jappy, so [insert some misogynistic term girls often use against other girls here].” I began to realize that when we claim to “hate” these girls, it often has more to do with hating hyper-feminine qualities rather than hating them for legitimate reasons (like, you know, these white girls being racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, or just genuinely shitty people).

Where is the line between hating whiteness and hating the white girl?

Yes, the white girl is white, and I think hating white people or whiteness in general (similar to my thoughts on saying “I hate men”) can be a valid, if not sometimes hyperbolic, expression of frustration with our white (and in regards to the “men” bit, patriarchal) society and all the idiots it produces. But why should we hate the girl? If there is anything I have learned from feminist theory, and particularly bell hooks, is that sisterhood is one of the—or at least one of my—most important tenets of feminism. I will always believe a woman’s account over a man’s account, will often if not always take the woman’s side to an argument, I will always stand by a girl’s side no matter what (yes, I understand this is bias, but no, this is not sexism “against men”).

But that’s not to say I don’t dislike, or don’t hate, any girl/woman. Most of the hatred I felt, and still at times feel towards “white girls”, is a result of growing up in an affluent, predominantly white town where my classmates, particularly female, were awful people (probably a result of their extravagant, sheltered lifestyles). They costumed themselves as “Native Americans” for Halloween, listened to Lil’ Wayne religiously yet would never even consider befriending a black classmate, called each other “nigga”, envied me for having “GBF” (gay best friend, a term I learned sophomore year when I first learned this was a “cool” thing to be in possession of) yet were inveterately homophobic, and ended up going to overpriced private universities because, well, they fucked up in high school but their parents still had enough to money to get them a nursing degree (and hopefully a boyfriend with a lot of money, too).

I can think of a couple of girls from high school I would gladly punch in the face, all of whom are white.

Yet I don’t hate these girls for their femininity as much as I hate them for their whiteness and their excessive wealth. The “GBF” ordeal is fuzzy, since it’s a stereotypically female desire to want a gay boyfriend to tote around your shopping bags and tell you how to give good a blowjob. But generally, feminine qualities have never bothered me because a. hating femininity is an act of misogyny and b. most girls who are deem themselves as “unfeminine” are attempting to other themselves from “normal” girls, which is just another, if not less blatant way of seeking out male attention (i.e. “I’m not like other girls because I play video games, watch horror films, and eat Big Macs!!—great article on this by Chelsea Fagan here).

By hating “white girls” are we not just giving boys and men the opportunity to join in on this white girl bashing? I am not saying that by being critical of femininity (which I think is extremely valid and important) you are giving each member of the male population the right to join in on this criticism, but by straight up bashing (white) women with feminine attributes are we not just participating in a misogynistic practice? What does it mean to hate women for acting like women, or at least how women are taught to act?

I am not stating that that every white girl is immune to criticism since, being white and often wealthy, they can do and say really stupid things. Rather, I am asking that the next time you are criticizing a white girl, what are you criticizing her for? Is it because she is being racist or classist or some other form of –ist or because she is complaining about the size of her thighs and keeps bugging you about some guy she has a crush on?

And as much as I get frustrated with white girls feigning mental illness, white girls posting pictures of their bruised arms on Tumblr, white girls culturally appropriating and claiming it as “appreciation”, at this moment in time, because of both personal and political situations, I think I am most frustrated with white girls hating other white girls for acting like girls. It’s not their (our) fault they (we) got socialized to be melodramatic, boy crazy, talkative, insecure people.

How Should a Feminist Be?

“I’m a feminist so I believe in inhabiting contradictions. I believe in making contradictions productive, not in having to choose one side or the other side. As opposed to choosing either or, choosing both.”

Angela Davis 

I have a confession to make: I love being catcalled.

Another confession: I gain an inordinate amount of my self-worth from male attention.

I guess I should preface this blog post by saying that I do not have a single ounce of respect for the men that catcall me and, in theory, know that I shouldn’t want them to catcall me. I used to wonder why they even felt compelled to say anything at all. Do you really think I’m going to sleep with you if you say I’m cute, call me “baby”, say I have a nice ass? But I soon realized that we have a symbiotic relationship, these men and I. I gain a sense of self-worth from their comments while they get to reinforce their forever-fleeting facade of masculinity (which, I can very well guess, is tied into their own sense of self-worth).

My feminist sisters, I am sorry but I do not attempt to hide from the male gaze or even hate it.  I look for it wherever I can. Walking to class, wandering the village, waiting for the subway—I seek it out everywhere.

God Dammit, just fucking looking at me.

Objectify me, I don’t care, just validate my presence, tell me I’m pretty, tell me my hair is “fucking gorgeous”, tell me something so I can look in the mirror tonight and feel okay about myself.

Walking with my friends a couple weeks ago a man saw me, stopped in his tracks, and told me I was “cute as hell”. I giggled, blushed, and walked on, while my gal pals went on to a rant about how disgusting and sexist men are. If you know me at all, you know that I’m very, very (cannot italicize this enough) into straight male bashing and calling them out on their patriarchal bullshit behavior. While I’m usually the one initiating and leading these misandric discussions, on this specific occasion I was at a loss for words. I wanted to tell them, “But I’m glad he said I was ‘cute as hell’! I wish every guy thought I was ‘cute as hell’! I wish every guy in the whole wide world thought I was beautiful and wanted to fuck me!”

Previous to going to college in New York City, I was neither catcalled nor even really paid attention to by any men besides my best friend (who’s gay) and my dad. I saw myself as sexually undesirable and thus, at least from what I can perceive from the lack (and by lack I mean nonexistence) of sex I had in high school, was seen as sexually undesirable by the general male population. I always have had and continue to have a complicated relationship with sex and recognizing myself as a sexual being which I think might be the root of my seemingly unwarranted thirst for external validation from random men.

My third and final confession: I am terrified of publishing this blog post. I have never talked to any other women or read an article or essay written by a woman that has admitted to having the same complicated relationship with catcalling that I happen to have. Self-declared feminists and even those who would never even dare to identify as a feminist have confirmed the verdict again and again: catcalling is bad and as women we should hate the men that do it (which I do, by the by, but I hate all men in general).

Feminist sisters, what do I do about this? How do I expunge myself of the internalized misogyny that subsists within me? Is the pleasure I receive from a catcall a sign of weakness? Can I be forgiven?

As feminists we are told not to judge other women, to respect their decisions no matter how ostensibly un-feminist they are. But where do we draw the line? If I am dubbed as anti-feminist for gaining a large portion of my self-worth from male attention (disclaimer: I am 100% not advocating that you should use this as means for your own validation) what about all the other self-identifying feminists who participate in “un-feminist” things?

What do we say to the woman who derives sexual pleasure from participating in rape fantasies, the adolescent who receives gratification from submitting her pictures to Is Anyone Up?, even the girl who, like many of us, adheres to stereotypical notions of beauty by wearing a full face of makeup?

Tell me how to think but don’t actually tell me how to think. Tell me how to feel but don’t actually tell me how to feel. Please tell me, but don't actually tell me, how should a feminist be?